


Snape Hunting

by BeaRyan



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Brotp, Comedy, Crack, Gen, Humor, Lincoln is the local expert not that any of you listen when he talks, Murphy's a little shit, death by motivational speeches, heavy snark, naked hiking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-07
Updated: 2015-01-07
Packaged: 2018-03-06 14:20:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3137510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeaRyan/pseuds/BeaRyan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bellamy, Jaha, Murphy and Lincoln go hunting, and it all goes according to plan.  Unfortunately Murphy was the one who made the plan.  He's not murderous these days, but he's still conniving with a bit of a grudge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Snape Hunting

When Murphy first told Bellamy about snape, Bellamy called him a liar. It was Octavia who asked Lincoln if it was true that inspirational speeches could kill a certain edible forest animal. He shrugged and confirmed that yes, he'd seen it happen. It was the fall that had done the animal in, but it was true you could talk them out of the trees. 

Earth was weird, but food was food. 

For once they wouldn't need to lose spears and arrows and they wouldn't need to waste bullets. They could just do what they always did, talk and talk and talk, and food would fall to the ground in front of them. There was much debating around camp about who should go on this weaponless hunt. Murphy said he was sure Bellamy could talk anything to death and was shoved by Octavia for the comment. The adults felt Jaha could talk longer and harder than anyone else. Again Lincoln was consulted. He said from what he'd seen and heard either man could talk more than just snape into plummeting towards certain death. 

Lincoln agreed to lead them to the snape resting grounds and planned their arrival for sunset. As soon as they arrived in the clearing, Jaha insisted that as the senior member of the party, the one with the greatest history of inspiring others, he was the most qualified to lead the event. Bellamy suggested that all the time he'd spent inspiring the walls in solitary while his former henchmen served as his guards might have dulled his skills. 

Lincoln and Murphy exchanged a look that combined “I fucking knew they’d do this” and “can you believe these two assholes.” Lincoln pulled out a bottle and took a seat. Murphy sat beside him and opened a bottle of his own. 

Jaha and Bellamy traded barbs, two alpha males eager to provide food for their people through the sheer power of their recently neutered bravado. 

“You two need to be quiet for ten minutes,” Lincoln said. “They won’t come nest if you don’t.” 

Bellamy turned on him. "What's your answer? Which of us should go first?" 

"Does it matter? Have either of you ever done anything I've suggested?"

Jaha struck a pose, starting first at the trees and surveying the sky reflectively before turning his attention back to Lincoln with a smile as genuine as fool's gold plastered on his face. "I don't believe we've met. I'm Thelonious Jaha, the rightful Chancellor." 

"Him," Lincoln said. "He's first. Both of you get quiet. Give it ten minutes for them to nest and for it to get dark, and then start talking. When one falls out of the trees, grab it, use the ax to chop off its head, and put it in your hunting sack. Save the heads. Makes good stew." 

"What do I talk about?" Jaha asked.

Murphy suggested, "Talk to them about sacrifice and giving their lives so that we can eat." 

Jaha turned his attention to Lincoln who shrugged again. "As long as you say it the right way, it will work." 

"Inspire them to die," Murphy said. 

He and Lincoln exchanged a glance, and Bellamy would have sworn he saw the Grounder smirk, but at his core he believed that Lincoln wasn’t capable of smirking. The man was a humorless sister-banger. 

At Lincoln's urging, they were silent as sky faded from reds and yellows to the grays of twilight. At some seemingly mystical moment identifiable only to him, Lincoln nodded to Jaha and the speech began. 

It was absolute pablum, an insipid slurry of rehashed ideas and catch phrases. Sacrifice, the needs of the many and noble instinct were all touted as Jaha encouraged the creatures of the forest to take one for the team, make the ultimate sacrifice, etc. After three minutes, he began to slow, but Lincoln urged him on. Jaha found a second wind. He preached about the nobility of their cause. He bragged of bringing humanity back to Earth, a statement that caused Lincoln to take a long, deep draught that did nothing to release the tension in his jaw. 

Finally, the first animal fell from the tree and landed on the dried leaves and twigs below with a dull thud. 

"Keep talking and go chop its head off," Lincoln ordered. 

"I'll talk. You chop," Jaha said. 

"It's your kill or it's not. Make a decision." 

Jaha grabbed the animal and tossed it into his sack. Someone else could deal with the butchering. He was a statesman. 

Three more animals fell over the next few minutes and Jaha grabbed each of them in turn, tossing them into his sack for later consumption and grinning as he continued to blather about shared sacrifice and shared glory. With four snape in his bag, it was now full and weighed about 80 pounds, slightly more than he wanted to carry for the three hours it would take to hike back to camp, but he was willing to leave one behind just to lighten his load. He’d get Lincoln and Murphy to carry the bag most of the way. Shared sacrifice was noble after all. Jaha gave a satisfied grin to Bellamy before dropping to a seat beside Lincoln and Murphy and demanding a turn with the moonshine. Neither man obliged. 

Bellamy wasted no time before beginning his inspirational harangue. He told the animals they were doomed but tasty and it was time to nut up and come on down out of the trees. He promised a swift and effective end. The ax was sharp, the sack was ready, and it was time to get in it. Three animals fell in quick succession, and as Bellamy beheaded them and tossed them in the sack he chastised the animals still in the trees for being slackers and not getting the job done quickly and well. Their highest and best purpose was in his belly. Two more fell in thirty seconds. He quickly dispatched those two as well and drug his sack, now bloody and leaking but with five animals to Jaha’s four, towards the group. 

"Nice use of the ax," Lincoln said. 

"You told me to." 

"And you picked now to listen to me. Let's get going." 

"We're hiking back in the dark?" Jaha asked. 

"If you'd prefer to sleep in the open with a sack full of meat, there are panthers who'd like to meet you." 

Bellamy hoisted his sack over his shoulder and began to make his way out of the clearing. Blood dripped from the bag and Jaha paused. "Isn't THAT going to attract panthers?" 

"Bleeding snape? No. That scent will keep the panthers away." Thirty minutes later when both the sack and Bellamy were soaked in blood, they all understood why. Bellamy reeked. Had he been a cartoon, waves of green odor would have been rising off of him and flies would have been dying as they were first drawn to and then killed by the stench. The group let him get progressively further and further ahead and downwind. 

Jaha grinned triumphantly. He had had the good sense to toss his captures into the bag whole. Clearly he understood things the rest of them didn't. The bag was heavy but at least no one would tell him to sleep by the latrines when he made it home. He was confident, cocky even, until he felt the first lurch from inside his sack. "Lincoln! Lincoln! They're moving."

"Yes. I told you to take off the heads. You didn't." 

“You said they died when they fell out of the trees!” 

“I said once I had seen one die in the fall. I also told you to take their heads.”

"If I'd taken off the heads I'd smell like Bellamy." 

"And since you didn't you're going to smell worse. Don't let go of the bag. Might as well have something to show for the trouble." He backed away as he said it, putting as much distance as was practical between himself and Jaha while still avoiding Bellamy. 

Murphy broke into cackles at this point. Wicked witches the world over felt their spidey senses tingle as Murphy’s pawns realized they'd been duped. 

Bellamy dropped his leaking, reeking sack and charged back, shoving Murphy into a tree. "What have you done?" 

"You talked dinner to death. It's funny. Good God, you smell." 

Bellamy turned his rage on Lincoln and attempted to shove the patient rock of man as he'd done with Murphy. Lincoln said nothing, but Bellamy could feel the other man weighing if Octavia was really special enough to be worth bearing the number of idiots that came with her. Bellamy backed off. While he realized that Octavia was worth suffering any number of fools, Lincoln might not be smart enough to see that, and Octavia was getting pretty good with her sword. 

"What's going on?" Bellamy demanded. 

"Snape hold their breath when they hear a noise, play dead. They fall out of the trees when they pass out. Yours are dead. Jaha's are trapped in a sack and getting angry.”

“This was all a trick?” 

“No. This was hunting using the skills you have. Snape stink, but you can eat them." 

Jaha's face twisted as the now awake animals in his sack began to make their anger clear. Disdain morphed into disgust and horror as the smell invaded his nostrils and his eyes watered. He dropped his bag and wretched, heaving the contents of his stomach about carelessly and stumbling blindly up the path towards Lincoln, Murphy, and Bellamy. The first animal escaped from the sack, stopped, and aimed a stream of liquid at Jaha. Lincoln yelled, "Run!" 

Bellamy had once believed the acid fog was the most destructive cloud he'd ever see, but as the smell wafted towards them he realized the Mountain Men's veil was a pale imitation of the real thing. At least you could see the yellow cloud coming. This stench seemed to chase him, but you couldn't see it coming. You just suddenly felt certain you were going to die as your stomach tried to block the scent by emptying itself into every orifice. Lincoln shoved him over the top of a hill and then forced his head down, burying it in fallen leaves and piling others on his skull, creating a helmet of rotting plant matter. It was slimy, but at least it had an earthy smell instead of the rotting funk of radioactive skunk. 

To one side he felt Murphy's smaller hands and he shuddered as he touched one of Murphy's still gnarled fingertips. On the other, Bellamy was able to identify Lincoln by his large arm and the force of the elbow which "accidentally" struck his skull. Jaha was still out there somewhere. They'd abandoned him. Oh well. Fuck that guy. Clarke was in charge now and Diana had proved that keeping ex-chancellors around was a bad idea. 

Five minutes later Bellamy felt Lincoln shift beside him, getting up and moving away, followed by Murphy. Screw them both. Let them clear the area. Bellamy stayed in the leaves until he heard Jaha approach while muttering something about shared pain. 

"How long does this smell last?" Bellamy asked. 

"You'll stink for a week or so. The meat will be fine once it's washed, salted, and smoked.”

“We can’t eat it fresh?” Bellamy asked. He’d at least expected a steak after all this trouble. 

Lincoln shook his head no and Murphy grinned. 

Bellamy briefly considered murdering them both. Jaha probably would have let anyone else get away with it, but he was still a little touchy around Bellamy because of the whole attempted murder thing. Some people just have a hard time moving on. 

Bellamy pulled his shirt up over his mouth and nose. His eyes watered and burned, but he could see. Jaha had made it closer to them, stumbling and wretching his way up the hill, and then given up. Now he sat in the middle of the trail with his eyes running and sick drying on his shirt. The smell of the animals grew stronger as Bellamy approached him, and based on the wet spots on Jaha's clothes, it looked as if all four of his animals had blessed him on the way out. 

Bellamy grabbed him by the shirt and drug him forward, towards Lincoln and Murphy, both of whom retreated up the hill without Bellamy's sack of meat. 

"I can't carry him and the bag!" Bellamy called. 

"Then you're going to have to leave one," Murphy answered. 

Lincoln and Murphy watched briefly as Bellamy tried to manage a sack with 100 pounds of meat with one arm and 180 pound of stinking, wrung out former chancellor with the other. Lincoln laid a hand on Murphy's shoulder in a way that would have been affectionate if his grip hadn't been so tight. "I'm going to carry the bag. You're going to carry my clothes. Do not touch any of us and especially do not let my clothes touch any of us." 

Murphy nodded in agreement, and Lincoln stripped. When he was wearing nothing but a knife belt and his hiking boots, he approached Bellamy and took the sack. 

Bellamy's eyes bugged and he barely suppressed a laugh as he asked, "What the hell are you doing?" 

"Skin sheds, eventually. Clothes touched by snape scent will have to be burned."

"Seriously?" 

Lincoln adjusted the sack over his shoulder, hauling it like a giant, fit, nude Santa and confirmed, "Seriously." 

"Why did you agree to this?" 

"Meat is meat." After a few more steps he added. "You have to make at least ten minutes of steady noise to make a juvenile pass out and five more to get an adult. I wanted to see if you could do it."

"And you teamed up with Murphy?" 

"He came up with the plan as soon as he heard about snape. All I did was nod and shrug a few times. You did the rest."

"You're kind of an asshole, Lincoln," Bellamy said, trying to find somewhere to rest his eyes as the nude man walked up the hill ahead of him. 

"It's your sister's favorite kind of man." 

When they made it within sight of the camp, the response was mixed. A seemingly useless Murphy, a weakened Jaha, and Bellamy hauling in a hobbling person into camp were all met with a sort of bored deja vu. Naked Lincoln and the dinner sack were greeted with cheers. Then the wind shifted.

**Author's Note:**

> Comment are appreciated. Thanks to SexyMeatPies for the beta.


End file.
